Entry #36 – May 23, 2016

A couple days after Kat confessed her feelings to me Paul made a comment about her seeming “clingy” for saying she loved me before we even dated, which angered me and I told him not to say it again. He hasn’t, even if he said he was absolutely correct. It bothered me because it suggests that she chose to feel this way. Do you think that somebody wakes up and decides that their life is too boring, and that maybe they should develop an unhealthy obsession with someone that occupies all of their thoughts despite not having any chance of ever being together with them, causing them to become depressed and irritable and their grades to suffer and people to stop talking to them because they think they’re “clingy” or something. She can’t control how she feels about me. I mean, why develop them for me instead of Mark, who has been sitting at the table with her the same amount of time as I have. He even has a job! I don’t know because reasons why we feel the ways we do about one another are mysterious and we have very little idea of how they work. If I could choose to feel the same way about her that she does about me in order to make her happy, I would. But I can’t choose to, I just don’t feel that way, and I’m certainly not going to lie about it to make her feel better in the short term because it’ll result in devastation in the long run.

If she decided to act out on her feelings in unethical ways, like repeatedly manipulating me into getting me to love her or stalking me, then that’s definitely a problem that needs to be dealt with. But all she did was be honest with her feelings to me, as is now acting honestly in accordance with her feeling of being upset that I don’t feel the same way. And I understand that. Feelings of rejection have fueled thousands of works of art, because it’s both common and painful. And of course there are thousands of more works of art based on mutual love that has been found. And those art forms may influence the way we engaging in romance but the feelings towards one another were there first otherwise the people making that art wouldn’t have been born. Some people feel pulled towards others, and some people don’t. Yes, it may be uncomfortable for someone your age to hear kids talk about wanting each other, but it happens. We can’t control how we feel, but we can control how we consciously judge people. People shouldn’t be mocked because of how deeply they feel about somebody, or how little other people seem attracted to them, or how many people they have mutual attraction with. Because nobody, not even people like you or Paul, can see what is entirely going on in another person’s mind. We can only judge people on how they act, in particular how well they treat others around them.

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